28 – The Bookworm Part of Me

Omg,I liked this so much. I never got the chance to like it nor reblog it. This is great 🙂

Stronghold

When I was younger, I used to look upon novels as my best friends – my portals to different worlds. I didn’t like the world I saw around me. The books offered me an escape. A different reality. In books, I could reinvent myself – become a character of some sketched out fantasy, some adventurer of a distant land. I could slay dragons, chant spells, or simply enjoy a walk along the river alongside a lovable companion of some nature.

I ravaged my elementary school library. Literally. I read anything. If it had words in it, it was mine to read.

I was a lover of the I Spy series, I liked to spend my lunchtimes in the library just looking for objects among the pictures. A friend of mine would always accompany me. I miss her. We don’t talk much anymore. I flinch a little when I see her…

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Motivation

This is a writing piece I wrote when I was so depressed that afterwards i just sat in my bed and sobbed a bit. I like to read back on this to remember I conquered that feeling and that things get better. Please read!
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I feel disapointed. Maybe the right word next to emotionless but I feel like my life has gone to shit. I don’t know why but it just seems like I have nothing under control and nothing seems to be right anymore.

Ian and me aren’t talking and I feel like it’s all my fault because I’ve been neglecting him. Today I said bye to him because I was walking into Mr.Devart’s room. All he did was make that mad face when his cheeks puff out and walk on. He lend his jacket to Ava. I was really mad more than jealous because why would he lend her his jacket when I’m supposed to be wearing it? But then I realized that…it’s a fucking jacket. Who gives a shit? I’m not involved ‘in society’s rules to a relationship. If she was cold then she was fucking cold. But I still felt angry and a little frustrated.

Plus,it seems like he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. He just talks to other girls with that happy and cheerful face and brings on conversations but with me it’s just nothing. I fucking hate it. It’s irritating me and it makes me disapointed that I’m not acting like a girlfriend.And the fact that I want to break up but then not break up is killing me.

Break up: Because we don’t do anything.We have nothing in common,we barely talk,and we just act like friends more than a couple. Plus,we talk to other ppl.

Not Break up: A tiny part of me likes Ian or it’s just that part of that feels guilty for not trying to be his girlfriend and not acting like it.

Or maybe I’m just sick and tired of going through love bullshit and I don’t know what the fuck I want anymore.

What do I want?

What the fuck am I doing with this relationship? What does he want in this relationship?

Sometimes I blame myself for not thinking of his needs but then I’m like “Well,speak up!” for him because he’s the male and I have opinions about ppl in a relationship should be equal. He probably doesn’t feel equal. He probably doesn’t feel anything at all. And ppl keep asking me if we’re still together and I bite my tongue to add a ‘Unfortunately’ to the yes.

What the fuck am I doing?

To count that off,I don’t like my friends anymore. I don’t like anyone in the real world anymore or my online world. It all seems boring and usless.

People are just pissing me off now because the silly things I do and they do are just annoying now. I can’t even make a joke or laugh at somehing without wincing my ass off. I hate this.

I’m starting not to like the people I’ve grown to like.Like,I just want to shout at everyone and tell them to shut the fuck up and be normal and stop doing stupid shit. Stop being silly! Be fucking normal for once!

Translation:

Be the real you.Be the sad you.Show your insides that are sick and tired.

Show me the “Me” in you.

It’s like I want everyone to be unhappy or something.To stop fooling around and be under status quo.I don’t know why I want this. Maybe because my periods coming or maybe I just want a change in me.

I barely have the courage to do something anymore. I can’t even pick up a penicl and write wthat doesn’t involve my homework. It’s like my imagination and dreams are slipping from my finger tips.

Get up.Dress.Shool.Sleep.Prakash.Homework.Sleep.Repeat. It’s like I only have time for this and not anything else.

And going to my devotion book makes me mad for some reason. Thinking makes me mad and just looking for the answers makes my insides burn. I don’t want to do any of these things because I feel like theres no point in it. There’s no point in thinking or God or anything for that matter.

And that’s when I think I’m fucked up. Because God gave me all the things I needed even when I didn’t ask for it. But he already knew that I needed specific and useful things since I was born. But it’s like a part of brain just doesn’t want to deal with this shit anymore. I just don’t want to deal with life anymore.

Like I don’t want anything to do with the things in my life and do nothing.I don’t want to do anything except for the things I have to  do.

Can I change this?

Yes but it seems pointless. Maybe I’m lazy but who fucking cares? The people don’t and that’s what they should do.

I fucking hate this. I fucking hate this shit of a life I have. Not because of the tragedy’s because their is none.But of the dullness and the fact that I’m a insensitive, undecided ,realistic,nut-case who likes to pester people instead of being a good little bitch for everybody else.

Would I change something?

I don’t know. What is there to change? What is there to turn around and say “Fuck it!” to? There are responses I have to this but they seem pointless also…

What the fuck am I doing??

Reality

Have you ever confused reality with a dream?

The ceiling turned into a dark bliss

and your hand forming into your biggest death?

Have you ever confused reality with a dream?

Your loved ones turning into shards of you.

The mountain where memories lay is

now last nights stew?

 

What worlds are these?

What faces are in front of you?

What lives have you portrayed?

What lakes and puddles are these?

 

Puddles of words and I’m drowning in my own flaws.

And into lakes.

 

What roads are these?

Do I take these roads?

Will I accept these roads and

my flaws accept them also?

 

Girl,interrupted…

Maybe a girl interrupted so

she can trace back to the place she was

involved in.

 

Involved in society and finally

accept that people hide.

People hide their darkest,most vicos minds

inside their breast.

And not reveal it.

To jump over puddles.

To swim through lakes.

To identify which worlds to be in.

To find a road and sprinkle your flaws on it.

 

To remember the road that you

interrupted when you were a girl.

Small Boner

A male is a male.

A female is a female.

A man is a man with his thinking cap

and a girl is a girl with her pink dress.

But a male is a male.

And a female is a female.

A man is a man with a throbbing stick

and a girl is a girl who has no hormones yet.

But a male is a male.

And a female is a female.

But if this man is throbbing for this girl,

the girl will not understand.

And this man has his heart beating

for a girl who doesn’t know what staturory means.

But a male is a male.

And a female is a female.

But she is not a woman.

Should not be treated like a woman

but a princess.

But not HIS princess.

This man has a throbbing stick

for a girl who is not in highschool yet.

Then this fine spring will turn winter

because a man will not survive her

childish tempers.

This man has his heart beating

for a girl who isn’t even sixteen.

Then this fine flower will turn into a rain drop.

The girl with her tears on his bed will soon grow

to rot.

Bees To The Knees

When bees were surrounding us you would

spit at them with sharp toe-nails to protect

yourself.

When they were dead and ripe in December

you would eat them but give a quarter to me.

I could smell the venom you put in them.

 

Did you actually believe I would give in

when you put out?

Back and forth we always go.

So vain and it shows through your veins

making me curl into a ball protecting my pride.

But always sinking into the darkness of my

womb.

 

You didn’t care about me.

You only cared.

I hoped your friend would be like this

too.

 

I feel like a slug on the run while

your the salt shaker with a painted smile.

 

 

How Do You Feel?

I found someone new.

How do you feel?

So alone but you seem

not to care.

All the things I did for you.

Just sitting and waiting to

see right through you.

 

You kiss HER face.

You whisper in THAT

ear.

Why didn’t you see she

only HALF cares?

 

I’m leaving you alone

to sit with her without

a home.

I found someone new

but I still wish you felt

alone.

 

Why don’t you scream?

I can’t believe I’m still waiting

for you to see me.

The Buying Type

I want my love to pass me notes during class that

say: Relationships are like video games.

You win or lose but you will still get to the end.

I want to read notes from him that say:Your heart shape box is mine to fill.

My love needs to be intelligent and wise like the man

who reads the dictionary but teaches his assistant the sunny lies.

My love should be normal as walking to the mall

on a Saturday and likes to sing to me while I’m in the tub.

He should leave ink marks under his nails and mark me.

I want to be stuck in his smooth words that say to me:

I like you.

And that will be enough for me because like is all that
I can afford for now.

Father Dearest

 

You bought me clothes.

You took me to school.

You got a dog.

And that makes you cool?

You gave me a necklace.

You fixed my hair.

You locked mom in the closet.

No wonder why I don’t remember her.

Beneath Snow, Leaf, and Soil

We lie cold and naked upon the bed
Lethargic, without pulse
The sheet’s stained with the slightest blood
Our chests torn
You ask me to pull you closer
The effort takes an hour
As our hearts have abandoned us
For lust
They escape our quarantine

In rhythmic desire they have gone to dance
Upon rooftops and light houses
Staining the night with caricature
Attracting sharks
They know the time is short
Such houses cannot last
This one night
Love must make the best of it

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Easter triptych

Wee Scoops

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